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Dreaming big is a fast cocoon

by sea glass

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1.
I woke up in ghost town next to a woman with bullet holes in her night gown. I couldn't find the horse I rode in on. I couldn't find the boots I shine and spit on. I woke up in a ghost town, the sky all dressed in black. I shook the sand from my sleeping bag. Now I run like anyone's business. I don't make alot of friends, but I keep a good pace and distance. Jump on every wagon of whispers and half truths. I know that I'm going to find you. And I know that I'm being followed, I keep circling back. I'm going to give myself a heart attack. But I'll ask the questions, long after I shoot. No, I don't need directions... to find my way back to you. So I sit down at the new bar. Familiar pain of the same drink like an old scar. I try to strike up light conversation, and not to lock eyes with the lady wearing white carnations. I know the numbers don't add up. Flakes of gold facades. Don't you ever tell me the odds. But I'll ask the questions, long after I shoot. No, I don't need directions... to find my way back to you.
2.
do you remember when we used to be best friends? and then you kept on passing out on the weekends, and now the only time we ever hang out is in hospitals I remember when we used to be punk rock anarchy's a path you should never walk but I still hate the government if you ever want to talk do you remember the last time you came over? or the last time that you smiled when you were sober and I know its been rough but I think that you've had enough. and you tell me you're unhappy and I act like I'm surprised the well ain't always it just needs a little time, and don't we all... stop fighting and let those old leaves fall I still remember when you used to stay over, you'd lay out on my bed like a four leaf clover you'd say "its fate not luck" but now you just don't give a fuck do you remember when we used to go downtown we'd sneak into the clubs but only drink the sound But now the only time you hang with clique is when you need a fix I remember when you told all your friends that you quit but you pulled me aside and said "Connor, I've gotta split" and now I don't know where you are but I hope its better than this and you never write me letters but I can't say I'm surprised you never had a way with words, but standing by my side was enough... goddamnit, I should have called your bluff.
3.
I've been so damn scared to look in a mirror unprepared incase I catch the wrong reflection of how I feel, like the time you almost convinced me it was real. I have disappeared enough to know that my outline is getting rough some pieces of me never reappear but some things are best left behind, my dear. but are we not just lonely atoms... mother nature's cruel sarcasm... memory with muscle spasms... a shot into the darkest chasm... the pictures on the telephone pole don't do justice to my black soul is that what you really think of me? or is that just what you tell your friends you see? I've been staring in your eyes, pretending I was hypnotized, when really I've been planning my revenge. you won't have time to blink when I descend. but are we not just lonely atoms... mother nature's cruel sarcasm... memory with muscle spasms... a shot into the darkest chasm...
4.
I used to know a girl in the city by the train tracks I would only visit when my mind was pitch black she had a way of blinking on and off like a wire was crossed somewhere. she had this reoccurring dream about car crashes when she'd open up her mouth its dots and dashes I told her it was normal but I don't think that she cared. because its one thing to live in the past, its another to be reminded by the people who you love. so put both your bare feet in the grass, isn't it nice to be reminded there's no ceiling up above? and if you have to shed a couple tears, they're dead weight. there's no need to justify or negotiate, its a new day, its a clean slate. I used to know a girl in the city by the seaside, she was kinda quiet but her eyes were so wide. she had a way of catching things that slipped under the radar. she said "the country that I come from all the land is nurtured, not exploited to the point where there's no future." I said that sounded pretty, but just not where we are... because its one thing to live in the past, its another to remember we did not want to end up here. and its scary how your life will pass, if you get a little comfortable and get used to the push and pull. if you've got to leave this town, it can't wait, there's no need to justify or delineate. its your own life, its your own fate.
5.
There's dry blood splattered on the inside of my favorite guitar Stickers and scratches cover the rest. There are large and awkward growing holes in my favorite jeans. They'll last another two weeks at best. I'm not equipped with anit-lock brakes, and I have no planned fire escape. I do it for the money and the peace of mind. I keep taking it all in as I close my eyes. There are sharpie marker pumpkins scribbled on my old apartments walls. The sketchy landlord probably still hasn't had time to clean them off. I swear I try to travel light and not to wake you up at night. I've got this hacking cough and an unrelated prescription that's 70% off... I gladly would have paid full retail price, if I thought this time the wind was gonna catch my kite. I do it just to say I took the helping hand, and now its not my fault if that didn't make me who I am. It was Phone Tag up in Red Bank. It was Brendan's blank stencils in the Green Building's basement. It was Zombies Ate My Neighbors, and fake mustaches, Salvation Army suits through the power outages. The acid-headed poet at the coffee shop. After we played our set, she got on stage and then she wouldn't shut up. It was 14th and Christie. It was Weakerthans and whiskey. It was everything I didn't know I wanted it to be.
6.
I'm sorry your mind's been made, and I'm sorry he made it for you. but its not like these strings were pulled in advance, or he covered his tracks, he pulled them right in front of you... but he doesn't know why your father left home in a puff of grey smoke like the last time he spoke to you he doesn't know why your mother drinks so much alone when he looks at you I can see right through and he doesn't see half the things that I see in you I'm not sorry he found us here, I'm sorry that later, I found him with you. The thought process for that fight, wasn't entirely right, luminescing at night, we break off in pairs of two. but he doesn't know why you're sleeping alone or you're up on your phone the balance is thrown he doesn't know where you go in your mind when reality floats and its lagging behind. do you want to come down? touch the ground keep me around

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released February 19, 2010

songs from Troy, NY

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sea glass Houston, Texas

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